Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
