Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
