Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
