The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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