Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
