i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
