i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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