I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
