I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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