I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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