You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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