tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
