My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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