i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
