I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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