It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
