if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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