I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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