The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
