if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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