I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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