apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
