I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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