At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
