I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
