By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
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