every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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