this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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