Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
