I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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