Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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