i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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