Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
