Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
