I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
