I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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