There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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