I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
