well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
