yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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