the condom got lost in my hair
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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