he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
