I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
