My girlfriend figured out who you are.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
