I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
