dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
