Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
