so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
