Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
