really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
